Continuing the conversation for mental health awareness month (see all the stories here).
Story #4
I wish people knew that my mental illnesses are not a choice.
What is your diagnosis?
Major depressive disorder, Anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
What do your symptoms look like?
Major depressive disorder: sadness, emptiness, lonliness, wanting to sleep all of the time, isolation, etc.
Anxiety: Racing heart, sweating, feeling like I can’t breathe, feeling like there is a hole in my stomach.
PTSD: Flashbacks, nightmares, feeling unsafe in certain situations, etc.
What do you wish people knew about your diagnosis?
I wish people knew that my mental illnesses are not a choice. That anybody with these diseases has a chemical imbalance in their brain and there is nothing that we can do to control it. We can’t make it go away. Same goes for others…other people can’t make it go away for us. All we can do is learn how to cope with it. Others can learn how to be supportive and be there for us.
Share a story where your diagnosis/symptoms significantly impacted your life.
My mental illnesses have led me down a path of self destruction. I have searched and searched for ways to cope with the things in my mind. I have resorted to cutting, drugs/alcohol, sex… anything to cope.
My mental illnesses have led me to many suicide attempts, one attempt landing myself on a ventilator in the ICU. I have stayed in psychiatric hospitals more times than I can count since the age of 14. I have been in residential treatment centers, sober living housing and rehabs more times than I’d like to admit. My mental illnesses have affected my relationship with my family and friends. It has affected my school work, my job attendance, etc.
How have you seen yourself grow because (or in spite of) your mental illness?
I believe I would not be the person I am today without my diseases. I have been through so much. More than the average person. It has taught me a lot of life lessons. I am more caring and understanding because I have been through it. I believe I am a better nurse to my patients that have any psychiatric illnesses. I know how to respond and make them feel like they are understood. I never want to make them feel less than for what they struggle with.
Through all of the counseling, I have learned coping skills to deal with my depression, panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, drug/alcohol cravings…whatever it may be. I have learned who my true friends are; those who have never left my side even when I was the nastiest person to be around. I have learned that no matter what I am feeling, the feeling doesn’t last forever and I am strong enough to make it through.
Counselor reaction:
General comments or reactions:
I think it’s so important to recognize that PTSD is not what you see in movies! It’s not always the expected traumas, any sort of trauma can trigger PTSD and not only is the person processing the trauma that they went through, but they are also processing things such as flashbacks and nightmares, which ultimately feels like they are reliving the trauma over and over again. Imagine living the worst day of your life over every time you went to sleep, or living the worst day of your life over and over again — that is what it is like to have PTSD. It’s exhausting, emotional, hurtful, scary, draining, and so many other emotions!
In your opinion, why do people who suffer from depression and PTSD tend to resort to self harm to deal with the hard emotions or memories?
While a mentally healthy person may struggle to ever understand why someone would choose to participate in self-harm, someone that is constantly in pain from a diagnosis of depression or PTSD, may see self-harm as a form of relief. By inflicting pain upon oneself, not only are they transferring the origin of the pain from their disorder to something that they control, but they are finally gaining control over something in their life. A person with a mental disorder has no control over being diagnosed with a disorder, but by choosing to self-harm, in that moment, they are choosing where their pain stems from; thus taking back control of their situation. This is extremely appealing for someone who feels they have lost all control over their life; even if it requires inflicting additional pain upon themself.
About this series: It was a great desire of mine to share stories from real people who live with a mental disorder. The goal with this series is to shed light on what it’s really like for people. What it looks like day-to-day and how it affects their life. But also to see just how strong these people are. While the impact is strong on the individual experiencing it, a mental disorder also impacts family, friends, and coworkers. So it was also important to me to bring in a licensed counselor to read and react to these stories, and to share a few helpful tips to better understand and respond to a loved one who struggles in this way.
About the counselor: Andrea McDonald, MAC, NCC, LPC is a licensed professional counselor living in Kansas City. She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology, criminal justice, and sociology in 2012 from Simpson Collage, and went on to receive her master’s in counseling from Mid America Nazarene University, studying marriage and family therapy/counseling in 2019. She has 8+ years of youth and family counseling experience. Andrea has a beautiful, huge heart for others, and it’s an honor to have her as a friend (and fun fact, she’s my soon-to-be sister in law!) You can connect with Andrea on Instagram: @KCSelfCareStudio
Photography by: HNV Photography KC // Special thought and consideration went into this project to honor the stories that were told and I couldn’t think of a better collab partner. Heidi, you have a gift and your ability to capture the raw, real emotions is inspiring to me everyday. Thank you, friend!
***Note, while I hope the information shared here is insightful, it is not meant to serve as official medical advice or diagnose any symptoms you may be experiencing. If you have any questions regarding your mental, behavioral and emotional health, I recommend you speak with a licensed professional.***